Towards Courage

I have a Type A personality. I like lists. I like order. I like organization. I like plans.

I leave tomorrow and there is so much I don't know and can't plan for for the year ahead.

I feel like a tight rope walker. I have planned as much as possible and made the net below me that will catch me if I fail, but I don't know how long or high or wide or tight the tightrope is. I don't know what material the rope is made of, will it be on fire? I don't know whether the crowd will be nice or boo me and throw things at me. I don't even know how to walk a tightrope.

I'm afraid of the unknown and, starting tomorrow, I will be jumping into the unknown.

I'm so anxious.

I have many, many unhealthy coping mechanisms for anxiety that are actually quite destructive to me. As I get closer to my big move, they are getting harder to resist. I have to be more creative in my coping strategies and I have to lean more and more on my support network (that's you!).

One of my friends told me, "you're beginning something great and Satan will try to use this anxiety to get between you and what God has set before you." Honestly, that's something I've heard a lot throughout my life. When you are following God's will, Satan will do everything in his power to get you to detour, rather than to trust and follow God. So I guess these nerves mean that I'm doing something right.*

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 
1 Peter 5:7-9

As I thought about how I would write this post, I realized that one of the scariest parts about this next stage of my life, is that it feels like I'm doing it all on my own. None of the most important people in my life are physically coming on this journey with me.

But I need to remind myself that I am FAR from alone. I have Dan (my site supervisor), Susanne (my placement supervisor), Maxine (the social worker at the Eden House), Mindy (my counselor), the other YAVs in NOLA, and y'all. But as great as y'all are, above all of that, I have God walking with me.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

Every time I travel or do something big, I have a mix of nerves and excitement. And Lord knows that there have been bumps and incidents and hospital visits and lonely days, but I've made it through them all. God has brought me to this journey and will help me through it as well.

*Anxiety doesn't always mean that I'm doing something right. It is key to learn to be able to tell the difference between regular, healthy nerves and debilitating anxiety that stems from a chemical imbalance. Right now I have a combination of both.

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 14, 2019 at 8:39 AM

    Hi Kristina! I will be praying for you! Kristina, you are being very courageous!!! Remember that courage isn't the absence of fear and anxiety; it's moving forward and accomplishing your task in the midst of the fear! I'm so happy we serve a God who will never leave us nor forsake us, and He knows we struggle with worry, but He's bigger than that! Much love and prayers, Kim D.

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