Towards Community

In the last week, I spent 3 days driving to New Orleans, moved into my new house, met my housemates, flew to New York with them, and have had 5 days of national orientation.

me, once I had unpacked my room

Pic cred: Davis

me with Sarah, my roommate
 and the other girl in the house
Pic cred: Sarah's mom

we were brought a cookie cake by a Board Member
Pic cred: Sarah

Each day has been jam-packed and exhausting.

The first day that we arrived in New York, I was not doing great. I was exhausted from days of travel. I spent lots of emotional energy meeting new people and being "fun." The introvert in me needed a break. But instead of much needed alone time, I got up at 3:30 am to catch a 6am flight. I also am not a morning person and have a lot of travel anxiety when flying due to past hospital visits, so just the perfect combination. I was filled with worries about living in a new place and new people and with my defenses down, past traumas relived themselves over and over in my mind.

How would I survive meeting 60 more new people and a week of orientation?

I texted Dan, 'I am struggling and can't even imagine meeting more new people.' He encouraged me to find routine in the week, confide in leadership about my mental state, and take the space to myself that I needed.

I walked this labyrinth barefoot as a meditative practice
Pic cred: Davis

That night during evening worship, we read Psalm 100.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness;

come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God.

It is he who made us, and we are his;

we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving

and his courts with praise;

give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Psalm 100

I heard God desiring worship and praise and joy and thanksgiving, but I felt too broken for any of it.

I started weeping and I could not stop.

I wish that I could say that that is the only time that I've cried this week. I wish I could say that that is the only time I've felt so broken. But brokenness has been my constant companion this week and sobbing a common activity. Even as I write this, my heart is raw.

This week has been filled with anti-racism workshops, Bible studies about economical structures, very liturgical and Presbyterian worship sessions, delicious food, small group debriefs, and charges for living in community. Some parts of this week have challenged me in ways that I need to grow and some parts of this week have filled me with anger and frustration.

The one place that I see God in this week is in the friendships that I've made; though I've known them less than a week, they have already held me as I've sobbed, know my deepest fears, and have laughed with me til I couldn't breathe.

my small group in Washington Heights, NYC on City Day

we have a group chat called "Cry Time"
(from left to right: Davis, Amanda, Molly, Sarah, Ross)

How I wish that I could write the first post of the program filled with love and excitement for this year of service. 

But I've found friends (two of which will be in New Orleans with me) who have seen the deepest parts of me already and give life to the following command for community members.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Romans 12:15