Towards Validating Emotions

"How do I live with guys?" Sympathetic laughter followed.

That is the question I posed to the women's affinity group at national orientation.

Here in New Orleans, our site is an outlier. We have 4 guys and only 2 guys.

We've addressed the gender dynamics in various ways at our house so far. We've endured the awkward silence and laughter as we discussed how much or how little is appropriate to wear around the house (for the guys and the gals). We've also discussed how safety in the city is different for women and should be a community concern rather than a burden only for the women.

But I think it's harder to set guidelines for emotional aspects of gender dynamics.

~

On my first day of work this week, I came home exhausted. I had no physical, mental, or emotional capacity to deal with anything. Then one of the guy housemates made me so frustrated. I was so angry I felt sick to my stomach and started crying.

My internal dialogue: Are these emotional just all in my head and irrelevant? Should I actually try to address these issues? If so, how can I sort through these emotions so that I can say something helpful?

The latter won out because even though society tells us that reason is superior, emotions are important and valid. I processed with another housemate to calm down and to figure out how the conversation could go.

The next day I talked to the housemate that had made me so angry.

I told him that some of his actions were really hurtful to me. I told him some of my history: I told him about how my brother and I weren't friends until I went to college (we're good friends now); I told him about the roller coaster relationship I had with my dad until we went to counseling (we're super close now); I told him about the very toxic romantic relationship that I just escaped from. I told him that his actions mirrored the actions from those unhealthy relationships, which is why I was emotionally triggered.

When I asked the question at national orientation, I was worried about having a clean space and always being the one to do the dishes (which for the record has not been a problem at all so far). But I hadn't even considered the emotional scars I have that I associate with men and that's one of the hardest parts about living with guys.

He listened actively. He responded well. He told me that he never meant to hurt me and that he values my presence and contribution to our house.

He looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm not your brother. I'm not your father. I'm not your ex."

"I'm not your brother. I'm not your father. I'm not your ex."

"I'm not your brother. I'm not your father. I'm not your ex."

Honestly, that quote keeps ringing in my head over and over.

~

I've been hurt before, so I've put up walls. At the first sign of anything, I run. I hadn't given him the benefit of the doubt.

But community doesn't happen unless you make yourself vulnerable and let people in. As scary as it is, I need to let them in. I need to give them a chance instead of projecting my past pain onto them. I had been holding on so tightly to my past that I hadn't given my future a chance.

If I had convinced myself that it was all in my head, we wouldn't have had that conversation. The anger and hurt would have continued to build up. By validating my emotions and bringing them into the conversation, we were able to have a deeper and more constructive conversation.

Emotions are important and valid, even if they don't seem to make sense. Emotions allow for a fuller experience. Recognizing emotions allows for a more whole way forward. Emotions are not weakness.