Towards Nothing

In our society, life is so often guided towards achievements. In the past, I always had goals that would objectively measure my success.

In my academics, I was aiming for high grades and ultimately graduation. In musical theatre, I was preparing for the next performance. In dance, I was practicing to win the competition.

But as I was driving to work, I realized that there's nothing in my life that is directed towards a measurable goal. Everything in my life right now is simply heading towards nothing.

I don't get a certificate of completion at the end of the year. I don't get any reward or consequence for how well or poorly I do my job. I'm not making enough money to be saving towards retirement or to support a family. I won't have a performance or competition for the dance classes that I'm taking.

Maybe that is why a service year like this is so antithetical to social intuition.

But what a blessing from God it is.

I get to just be. I get to explore myself. I get to invest in others.

I go to work because I want to be a good worker, not because I'm trying to climb a ladder.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Colossians 3:23-24

I go to dance because I love to move my body, not because I want to be better than others or a need to overcommit my time.

And David danced before the Lord with all his might. 

2 Samuel 6:14a

I invest in friendships because they fill me and bring me joy, not out of a sense of obligation.

Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy,

for good friends are like the anointing oil

that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.

Proverbs 27:9

In a world that is normally asking what I can achieve, this year I get to explore who I want to be and who God is calling me to be.

But if I'm honest, it's really hard to fight the instinct to take control and try to make everything perfect all the time (not that that's even possible).

It's hard to let go needing approval and affirmation from my boss. It's hard to leave the office at the end of the day, knowing that I didn't accomplish everything on my to-do list. It's hard to not compare myself in dance class, seeing my movements as better or worse that the people around me. It's hard to close my eyes and just move. It's hard to not micro-manage all the relationships in the house so that they are what I would view as ideal and perfect.

I like control. I like measurable accomplishments. But if I reset my mind, this year can be one of pause. My hope is that by reading this post, you might be able to pause as well to reconsider how you define your worth or success.

According to the Bible, our worth should not be measured by accomplishment. Our worth is certainly not measured by how perfect we are because we are by nature imperfect beings.

He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

Titus 3:5-7

Hopefully, with intentionally mindfulness, I might be able to realign myself to focus on presence and connection and to be satisfied with imperfection. Then, I hope to be able to integrate that mindset into my life past this year of service against societal expectations of me.