Towards Discovering Myself

Dear Kristina from the past,

Buckle up because you have no idea what you're in for. Living in the Big Green House will be like living in a soap opera and you'll be in the center. Working at Eden House will be like running around like a chicken with her head cut off.

You will love deeply and cry with abandon. Your heart will break for those around you and for yourself. You are not prepared and there's no way to fully be prepared, but that's life. You have people around you who will offer their support: Dan, your parents, your small group, your therapist.

But most of all, you have strength within yourself. When you get in touch with yourself, you will come to know a raw, fierce, vulnerable, deeply caring, beautiful, wonderful, whimsical soul. Discovering her will be the hardest work you do this year and the biggest blessing for your future. In all things, stay true to yourself.

God will be with you through it all: through the peaks, when you're riding the high of a successful fundraiser, and through the valleys, when you have to be carried inside because your body physically can't. God is there, holding you and guiding your steps and loving you more than you know. You will want to quit; you will want to strangle others. But know that you have wisdom and great compassion within you.

Take a breathe a begin. God brought you here to prove Himself, not to let you fail.

<3 Kristina
(5/5/2020)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is a non-comprehensive list of the things I've learned by doing this YAV year:
  • Taking a step back: It's okay to take a break for a moment to recognize and respond to emotions. Being able to notice and communicate that need and the emotions with self and others is an important skill.
  • Figuring out how to practice self-care: Especially moving to a new city, starting a new community, and a new schedule, I had to find new moments, spaces, and practices to make sure that my life is sustainable. Self-care is evolving and requires continually checking in with self.
  • Healing from my past: Instead of letting people walk over me and ignoring cycles of abuse, this year I learned to advocate for myself and remove myself from cycles, doing what I didn't have the awareness or strength to do in the past.
  • Existing in my own body: Due to my trauma and how society treats women, there have been parts of my body that I have not really been friends with. This year, I have learned to take the time to know how my body is experiencing a particular situation.
  • Finding my voice and power: I have things to say that are important for people to hear. There are places in my life where I have influence to make a difference.
  • Integrating experiences: My experiences (and the experiences of those around me) are not only individual experiences, but fit into a bigger picture of my own beliefs, theology, and society. Making those connections are significant.
  • Recovering joy in my life and God: Honestly, the bright colors and culture of New Orleans have brought me so much joy. I've also re-discovered joy in church and nature and dance.
Here are some things I've specifically learned through working at Eden House this year:
  • Confidence in my abilities: I was able to step into this position, make it my own, and offer my own individual skills to the rest of the team. I am a valuable member of the team!
  • Strength of women: The residents have shown me how incredibly resilient women can be who have been through hell. My coworkers have shown me how deep empathy, understanding, and support make skillful, intelligent, and talented women even stronger.
  • Embodiment of my ministry: I don't have to wait to get an m.Div and be employed at a university to embody my calling of caring holistically for college students and integrating spiritual care with other aspects of society.
  • Humility: Not everyone has the same experiences and understanding as I do because they have had a different live. I'm not necessarily right. I need to constantly reevaluate my assumptions.

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