Towards Steps Back

Mid-January, we had mid-year evaluations due for YAV. This included answering a series of questions and then reading them aloud to our housemates. One specific question asked us to speak about our house community, one of the core tenets of the YAV program.

In my answers, I was raw, honest, and incredibly vulnerable. I spoke my truth.

The follow is an excerpt of that answer:

I’m extremely grateful that my small group from Elon visited last week to remind me how loving and caring intentional Christian community should be. They are constantly encouraging and supporting each other with all five of the love languages. One simple question can lead to very deep conversations with incredibly vulnerability. They fill my life with so much joy, but not superficial happiness because we know the deepest, most painful parts of each other’s lives too. In one conversation we can switch from fun to deep, personal sharing to analysis of structural injustice. Nothing is off the table. I don’t feel like I’m pulling vulnerability out of them. They follow up about things that I have previously brought up. That is what I was hoping and expecting this community to be. That is not at all what this community is.

My small group from Elon formed over a period of three years. The way that it looked the first year looks nothing like it now does. It took intentional energy to nourish the individuals within the group as well as the group dynamic. Especially in my last semester, I was able to push these girls to take up the responsibility of supporting each other because I would be gone! I had to rely on God because while I was at Elon it was hard to see the results of all my labor. When they visited, though, I was so encouraged at the way that the community stuck together, even without me there. They were reaching out to each other and planning events and fulfilling the vision that I had set for the community. At the same time that I was filled with joy by the community that I had invested in at Elon, I was filled with hurt and frustration regarding the community I was trying to build in New Orleans.

After I read through all nine pages of my evaluation, our site coordinator spoke. He affirmed how honestly I had spoken my truth and how much intentionality I had poured into my responses. He said that my answers were about twice as long as any of the guys' answers and my responses were about four times as honest and direct as any one else's in the house.

In his words, I do "the lion's share of the emotional labor in this community." He also warned that this amount of leadership often leads to resentment.

I try to lead with vulnerability. I try to ask thought-provoking questions at dinner. I try to keep my housemates accountable. I try to help my housemates talk through and process their questions. I believe in the power of intentional Christian community, so I pour as much as I can into it.

But, my housemates often don't respond with the same intentionality or vulnerability. Pouring into them without them pouring back into me is exhausting.

I feel like a house-mother or a social worker instead of a fellow community member.

Taking on the role of mentor or teacher is not my responsibility. It's not healthy for me. It's not healthy for the dynamics in the house.

After an incredibly difficult week with my house members, my mother, my best friend in NOLA, and my site coordinator all advised that I try to take a few steps back from this community.

I need to set more boundaries so that I'm not giving all of myself. I need to lay down the burdens that I have placed on myself so that I can nourish myself.

I know that this is incredibly important for my own mental health and will hopefully make the relationships with my housemates sweeter. But, it's so opposed to my own nature, which is to do everything to the fullest extent. My instinct is to be all or nothing, but I need to find a better balance between stepping up and stepping back.

How does this advice to invest less of myself reflect the commitment I made to intentional Christian community by signing up for the YAV program? How does it regard the Bible's call for fellowship? Am I simply shutting down another community in my life as I've done before?

These are the questions I'm grappling with as I attempt to resist the resentment building up for a community that does not match my level of emotional investment.